How did you build trust and emotional intimacy when you first started dating?

Debbie: This is a really important question to me because, with Roxane, I was experimenting with trust. I think it's unrealistic that anybody trusts somebody from the get-go. But I have a lot of trust issues, so I would say that I was trying to do my best with Roxane not to test her to confirm her trust. I was really trying to let it develop naturally without rushing to be sure that she was trustworthy because that wouldn't have done much to build trust. I was trusting in the process more, without seeking constant reassurance from Roxane.

So for example, because our relationship was long distance, especially at first, Roxane was very reticent about sharing things. For the first two months, she didn't give me her cell phone number. We were communicating completely through email and the occasional phone call.

In the past, with other people, I would've been much needier about getting the phone number, about giving myself some false sense that things were moving faster than they really were, because I would see that designation or that sharing at that point as proof of trust being developed.

But rather than do that, I waited for her to feel comfortable. My asking wasn't really going to ensure that we were closer than we were at that time. When she gave it to me, then I knew she was ready to give it to me, and that felt really, really good and like a step towards trust.

I don't know if Roxane feels the same, because we've never really discussed this aspect of that waiting, but my guess is that it gave her a sense of being able to trust me because I wasn't pushing her to do something she wasn't ready to do yet.

Roxane: From my end, it's not that I was withholding my phone number, at least not consciously! It was because I'm a writer, and so I'm more comfortable with sending a good email. I felt like the best way to woo Debbie was going to be via sending really great emails.

Debbie: Oh, but you weren't sending really great emails! At the beginning, when I asked Roxane if she wanted to go on a date with me, her response was, "Sure."

Roxane: Yeah, no, before our first date, I was dismal. I really wasn't doing it deliberately, but I wasn't on my A-game. So she's correct. But after our first date,

I think one of the key ways we built trust and emotional intimacy was that we did the things we said we were going to do and followed through.

Long distance can be very challenging, but we were very fortunate in that we could see each other twice a month. I don't think we ever canceled a trip, which matters because sometimes people are like, "Oh, I'm hung up at work." We made time for each other. Debbie was particularly flexible – she moved to heaven and earth to see me in Boston for our third date. It meant a lot that she created space for me and was consistent with that.
I'm not great on the phone, and honestly, I don't think Debbie loves talking on the phone either, but we like regular check-ins. So we would text throughout the day, once I did give up the number. I would also send cute little emails like, "Here's everything you need to know about me," but fun. She really put in the effort, and I did too, and that was great. Before we met, we each had a life, but she had a particularly vibrant life and friend circle that she had – I think quite deliberately – cultivated because she was choosing not to be in a relationship and to prioritize herself.

Debbie: Part of why I was intentionally single before dating Roxane was I felt I was mostly with people to fend off feelings of insecurity, or unlovability, or a sense of not being worthy. That work on myself ahead of time allowed me to be able to sit with the sense of insecurity in those first months of being in a new relationship without testing Roxane to feel more secure. So the way that I built trust was to deeply stay in a feeling of… not “mistrust”… but waiting and not pushing a false sense of trust.

It's like, when you ask for reassurance over and over again, if you don't feel it inside, the reassurance is just going to dissipate.

You're going to metabolize it and it's just going to go away until you need more. It becomes this sort of addiction. In the past, I would have been much more like, “I need to confirm that she really feels this way!” This time, I just let things move forward. After a while, consistency, reassurance, acknowledging insecurities, and honesty are what built the trust.