What’s one thing you wish more people knew about trans love and dating?
That loving us teaches so much about love. Love should be a place of growth, of self exploration, of resisting what doesn’t feel comfortable, of transcending rules. Love must always be a place of making warm in the freezing, bringing light in the pitch black.
Aren’t trans people those who understand all of this most? Haven’t we had to do unheard things to love ourselves loudly and publicly whilst everyone is staring? Aren’t trans people most equipped in knowing how to love because we have had to find so much of it in hate?
Isn’t it funny that after all we have been put through, we could scream so loud all the leaves would fall off every tree in the land, and yet, instead we choose to sing something sweet enough to encourage everything to grow? How could you not love someone with a super power like mine?
I get emotional talking about trans love and dating, because the intentional act of dating T4T (trans for trans) has allowed me to feel unconditional love and consideration like never before. Trans love is sacred, it is a love that makes you aware of astronomical possibilities and ethereal connection. It is a rare connection with someone that surpasses the physical part of dating, it looks deeper.
We are given the beautiful opportunity to not only see the fullness of our trans partners but also simultaneously experience an unpacking and redefining of gender and gender expression for ourselves. It is truly magical.
Dating in general is hard. Most of my life I tried to fast forward through it as much as possible, but I have landed in a beautiful place as a trans person in a relationship with a trans person. There is an ease in trans dating that allows for genuine connection, a space where one does not have to prove their existence to be considered a suitable partner. Trans dating looks like the freedom from unnecessary labor of helping someone figure out their sexuality in regards to our gender identity. Trans dating alleviates the experience of having to disprove unkind assumptions. Instead, we just get to be, exist as a person. Though there are still very real human moments of self negativity or self doubt that will arise because of internalized phobias and isms, Trans dating still offers a unique understanding and love. When you are cared for or loved by a person, who comes from a community deemed unsuitable or unlovable, you will experience a love and a relationship that is gonna be fought for, that is gonna have effort, that is going to be whole. A relationship that feels like family.
In an attempt to not be obviously esoteric, I think one of the biggest problems I come across, dating as a black trans woman, is people's misinformation or blatant ignorance around trans women. About our bodies, our surgeries, pronouns, identifiers, our history.
I've spent so much time teaching and workshopping potential partners, and
I wish everyone just came properly educated and polished. I wish people knew love for trans people with no hesitance or need for explanation/justification.
I think people overthink it!
Love and intimacy is all the same, no matter what form it comes in.
That not all love has to include cisgender people, trans for trans love exists and is beautiful.
There are so many ways to be trans. Everyone’s journey is so different— there’s not one blueprint to follow. At the end of the day, all trans people need and deserve love and support despite the differences amongst us. The best advice I could give someone dating a trans person, especially if they’re cisgender, is to explore their own gender. I’m not saying they need to realize they’re also trans, but
understand how your gender (cis or trans) plays a role in your identity.
My fiancée is a cisgender woman, not by default, but by exploring her own gender alongside my journey.
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