When is too soon to share your dating history for the first time with someone you’re dating?

Ash: This question made us both laugh because as queer people we often talk about it very quickly. I feel it’s a queer trope that when you meet someone, you're like, ‘this is my trauma and this is what happened with all my exes!’ It didn't exactly go like that with us, but I do feel like maybe I'm a chronic oversharer – I've always been open with that information.

Angel: It hasn’t been like that for me. I was in a previous relationship for two years where we couldn’t talk about it at all because we struggled with communication around dating history. With Ash, I wanted to approach it differently. When we met I felt like, ‘I want this person in my life in any form, it could be friendship,’ and so I kind of blurted it all out. I talked about all the people I was dating in that moment because I was feeling really free. I will say for me, that felt really special, because it meant we naturally felt really comfy and it was easy. That was new for me. So I think it depends on the person.

Ash: It's so circumstantial and contextual when you're first meeting someone, you don't want to trauma dump or get into the nitty-gritty right away. I think being able to talk about dating history can be a sign of having open communication, but it’s also good to ask yourself what you’re looking for.

Do you want to establish trust first or is this a funny anecdote you're sharing or something just to share about where you've been? If you're going to share something that is traumatic or heavy, maybe wait further into a relationship to establish trust.

If it’s casual, like ‘I went on this crazy date with someone once’ or ‘I had this experience and it's a really good story’ perhaps that’s something you can bring up sooner. You can also think about how the other person will receive the information. When I first came out, the person I was with would talk about their exes all the time, all of these really serious lesbian relationships they’d had, and I felt so intimidated.

Angel: I agree – it’s good to consider how the information will be received. I think you want to get to know the other person a bit to see what they've been through and you can work out if or how they can hold that information. Sometimes, for example, you'll meet somebody and you're the light thing in their life because maybe they're going through family stuff or heavy changes in that moment. Perhaps their mom is sick and with you, right now, they want to enjoy flirting over a late night hang.

I’ve also dated people who are still figuring out their sexuality, meaning if you’re an experienced queer person, dumptrucking your dating history might be overwhelming for them.

Before sharing, you can think about how information you might share could affect how they are feeling or their experience. Think about what they're going through as well as what feels good for you. And that's in any relationship, not just romantic. Ask questions for more context to understand the person you’re dating better so you can try to make sure that what you share feels appropriate - even thoughtful or kind - to help develop comfort around the important topic.