Is it just me, or do you feel a rush towards queer intimacy too?
I used to think that intimacy in dating had a set ‘order of operations’ — a ‘decorum’ where you have to pace how you get to know someone out with time. Like there’s some sort of arbitrary timeline around when certain conversations, or actions should happen. But over time I’ve learned that actually, that's not true and kind of silly.
I think a lot of people worry, ‘If I talk about sex or what I like on the first date, or that I have sex on the first date, does that mean I’m a slut?’ First of all, no – you are able to relate to someone in any way that you want to.
As long as there is mutual respect and consent there, I think it's really important to feel free to figure out intimacy in your own way, and not worry about this idea that you're not doing something in the correct order.
It's really the pace that you and that person decide on together.
And you should feel empowered by not only yourself, but also with the other person to be able to go deeper when you want to and to ask questions when you want to.
Now when I meet someone, everything is on the table.
Because intimate connection is really just to know someone, and the act of having to open up to them. And to intimately know someone is to understand real things about them:
Like, what are your political views? What are your views about sexuality? How do you relate to your family? How do you relate to your friends? Do you have a diverse group of friends?
It’s important to feel comfortable knowing that there doesn't have to be an energy of shame around opening up, or doing or saying something ‘too soon’.
You're actually just trying to figure out how to relate to someone.
I love this question so much! I try not to be prescriptive when it comes to dating and intimacy (physical and emotional) timelines because every relationship is so different. I’ve had connections that instantly felt like I’d known them for lifetimes, and the comfort level I felt in my body when I was around them…bay-bee…I was not the same after them. Then, as quickly as those relationships started, they ended, leaving this lasting imprint on my heart. I still write poetry about some of them. Then, I’ve had long-term relationships that were slow burning, building momentum like a quality fire. Those relationships may not have been passionate and fiery early on, but the closeness became like the best kind of friends and lovers over time.
My go-to rule regarding the dating flow is this:
“If it’s fast, make it deep. If it’s slow, make it deep. If it’s just right, make it deep.”
Often, when we are moving at lightning speed in a relationship, feeling that whirlwind of hormones and emotions, not coming up for air for days, we don’t go deep in our knowing of a person; we just ride the depths of how we feel. Those deep feelings and a deep knowing of someone are two very different things. So, instead of saying what is too fast when it comes to intimacy, I’ll tell you how you’ll know if you’re rushing.
How do you feel about the pace?
If you feel like things are too slow, too fast, or just right, that’s one indicator of what needs to happen with the pace of the connection!
Do you feel grounded in the connection?
If you’re feeling grounded, chances are the speed is a pace you feel comfortable with. The caveat is that if you’re used to fast-paced relationships, a slower speed may feel uncomfortable at first. Consider the other questions too!
Do you know who they are when they’re not with you?
If your answer is “no,” you may not have a holistic view of them, and you should consider spending time getting to know them more fully.
Do you know what their other relationships are like?
Do they know who you are outside of them?
Have you all talked about your standards for relationships?
If your answer is “no,” slow things down and really focus on co-creating some standards and agreements for the relationship. Every relationship needs standards to operate smoothly, regardless of the type or intention.
Can you maintain the pace of this relationship long-term?
If your answer to this is “no” then you should consider switching to a pace that is built to endure, especially if your goal is a long-term relationship
Can you balance the pace of this relationship with your other important relationships?
If your answer is no, reconsider the pace of this connection.
After considering these questions, you will likely have a better idea of whether you want to shift the pace of your relationship. You could even have your boo explore these questions too.
Explore all questions, or read more about navigating the holidays
NFAQ is an educational guide for Not-So-Frequently-Asked questions, submit a question to expand this discussion.
HaveMoreQuestions?
NFAQ is an educational guide for Not-So-Frequently-Asked questions, submit a question to expand this discussion.