How can I express intimacy when I don’t feel like being physically intimate?

Debbie: It depends on how you define physically intimate. If physically intimate means sex, then it's I guess a boundary where you have to say, “not tonight” or whatever it may be. But there are a lots of different ways to express intimacy that don't require or don't necessarily result in penetration. I'm a very big cuddler, and so I always ask, “Can I come in for a cuddle?” Roxane has never said no, but I guess she could. That's also very, very intimate. So I think a lot of this question has to do with how you interpret intimacy. And if somebody doesn't want to be intimate in a certain way, I think maybe just ask what would be okay right now to establish a level of connection.

Roxane: It could be something as simple as making dinner and setting the table. Something that Debbie does, every time we eat downstairs at our actual dining table, is light candles. There never needs to be an occasion, she lights the candles every single time. It creates a level of intimacy, it feels very romantic. When I see her light the candle, I get excited. I know we're about to have some us time. There are all kinds of things that she does for me that are just so sweet. She leaves little notes and I've saved them. At this point, I probably have a hundred, like on Post-Its. And I find them in the most unexpected places, like in my suitcase. Actually, when I say it, we are a very f***ing romantic couple.

Debbie: I like to set the table for Roxane, to honor her effort in cooking. That's just my thing. Bring out the good dishes, cloth napkins, table mats, and candles. That's the least I can do when she makes a beautiful meal. I think those things are super important. Again, just a little thing, but wherever I go, I always bring her home some little trinket just to let her know that she's on my mind. I don't think I've ever come back from a trip without something.

Roxane: All kinds of things can be intimate if you want them to be and if you treat them as such.

It’s about creating these special moments, showing your love and affection in ways that aren't grounded in touch. Some people don't like to be touched or just for a few hours, they might not be in a mood to be touched. And I'm not even talking about sexually, just like in general. But they want to feel loved and they want to feel that intimate connection. And so you can ask yourself, ‘hey, what might work here?’ You can use your imagination. Sometimes the answer may not be overtly romantic – like I'll make sure that Debbie's car is washed and the oil is changed – but it’s an act of care your partner might not do for themselves. Small or easy things that require paying attention.