It’s the early stages of dating, and we are seeing other people. Any tips for dealing with feelings of jealousy and communication around that?

Tom: We’re non-monogamous so we also still undergo the earliest stages of relationships with other people, alongside being married to one another. Something I’ve learned from a non-monogamous practice is to self-regulate and self-manage your emotions. Early on in non-monogamy, when something happened where a rule we had agreed on hadn’t actually been broken but I was still not comfortable, I’d spend a week talking about every thought that came into my head to Shugs and then sort of lose track of what I felt. I had to ask myself: How do I move beyond that to better understand what it is I feel?

Usually it’s to really try to process whatever it is I’m feeling. Then, given time and another day or two days, what happens is that Shugs and I will be back together in the same place doing the things we always do and love, like walking the dog or having dinner together, and what I felt might have passed or I can bring it up in a calm way. Oddly, those moments have often made me feel maybe more secure in the long term because you witness the stakes, and that coming back together reaffirms the choice that you're making to be in the relationship.

Shugs: I agree with Tom to maybe not share every single niggling feeling immediately and to sit with that before you come to your partner. But also, on that, say the thing you feel and don't run away from conflict.

Sometimes conflict has helped us work out where our lines are.

We had certain rules that we laid out at the start that now, in hindsight, were us trying things and working out the rules as we go. I've really appreciated that process because it can be a learning experience.

Also, I work in sexual health, at an HIV charity called Positive East, so the idea of being open and communicative around sexual health is very important to me, and I see the benefits on a daily basis. Part of the work we do there is to break down stigma and shame around sexual health, particularly HIV, and the first step to doing that is through dialogue.

Witnessing other people gaining confidence in talking about that has inspired me to be more open and communicative when it comes to my own sex life.

Something Tom and I have found useful is carving out specific time to talk about our relationship - what we’ve called a ‘relationship check in’. We then ask ourselves how we are feeling in the relationship and if there’s anything either of us could be doing more/less of, without judgment and the edge of anger. This can be a useful moment for airing any thoughts or feelings and information around sexual health, but within a safe space that is designed to be about open communication. Being open and having honest communication is essential in any relationship, including sexual relationships. It's important to establish boundaries, be open about your preferences, and maintain mutual respect.