I’m bisexual but have only been in same-sex queer relationships. Any advice for dating someone of another gender for the first time?

Angel: People can get really fixed to labels or ways of viewing themselves. I get that because we feel proud of who we are or what we've become. We’re all on this journey. But this can sometimes make things feel harder when we find ourselves in or curious about a type of relationship we haven’t had before. So, I think it’s about being open to going deeper than the label.

Recently, a queer friend told me: "I'm having a bisexual moment, and I'm dating someone that's a cis dude." They were almost freaking out about it. What felt good for that friend was asking them: “What is that like for you and this person?” or “That’s great – what attracts you to this person?” Questions that open up to the specificity of how their needs are being met, or how the relationship is allowing them to explore their desires. This can bring up ways that the relationship is more fluid than others might think from the outside. I ended up saying to my friend: "Oh, I think you're actually going to be that person's boyfriend." We both laughed because it was true.

I think you should allow yourself the same kind of grace that you’d want your friends to allow for you.

Maybe your desire is changing or you are attracted to something different. I‘ve learned it's about being graceful with yourself about that and not feeling like you need to know it all. You don't need to have it figured out if you're attracted to somebody. Allow in that softness.

Ash: We’ve both dated men, and we've both been with different kinds of people. There can be a lot of biphobia in the larger queer culture, and particularly in lesbian spaces. Something I’ve noticed is the way that people tend to talk about bisexuality can be very binary. Like, “I've only ever dated women and now I'm going to date a cishet dude.” But that doesn’t always capture complexity or nuance of queerness. The way I use the term ‘bisexual’ is to try to reclaim it and inform people that it’s not just about liking two genders (because there aren't just two genders!), it's about attraction to more than one gender. To me, bi and pan are basically the same.

There’s an entire galaxy of genders and expressions, and ultimately, there’s no shame in exploring something different.

We are constantly evolving. For example, the person you're dating could have their own journey of exploration and realize that they identify differently than they did before, sexually or gender-wise. Having openness for everyone's humanity and their evolving experiences is really important.

Also, it doesn't always have to be so serious – there can be a sense of playfulness. Maybe you just want to have sex with someone you’re not used to sleeping with and try it out!