As a gay man slash queer person, sometimes I feel pressure to be in a non-monogamous relationship. What if that’s not what I want?

Tom: I understand feeling the pressure, and I think if that's not what you want, you don't have to do it! We were monogamous for six years and I loved it and I think it was a crucial thing for us to build trust. Then we decided to open up the relationship. Whatever you decide, I do think if you're with someone and they're interested in non-monogamy and you are not, it is a discussion better had than avoiding, because that could cause resentment.

What helped us most in those conversations was looking at why you feel pressure and why you want to be monogamous. If they feel like good and healthy and well-explored reasons, then I think that can relieve the pressure of a situation, to be able to say “I know what I want and I know why I want it”. Often in a relationship, we say, “I want this thing”, and then when it's unpacked we find we might actually want something different. I wanted monogamy in our early relationship and that is fine and that really is what I wanted at the time.

But I think what I eventually realized is that I actually wanted to feel unconditional love. I think Shugs has shown me unconditional love. And so then monogamy or non-monogamy becomes sort of irrelevant. It might not be monogamy or non-monogamy that you are searching for. Maybe it is, or maybe it’s something else.

The best service you can do yourself is to try to understand what that is, and the rest will become clearer.

Shugs: Something I would also say is that, there are different ways to do non-monogamy, and it can be helpful to research what they are in case there is a version that might work better for you. Many people have a preconceived notion that in an open relationship you are constantly sleeping with other people or you're always on dates, and there can be a bit of a rush for that at the start. But something we said to one another when we decided to go open was that at any point we can put it on ice. We also tried to consciously open our relationship at a moment when we did not feel we had an "issue" to solve. We waited two years because we wanted to feel secure and like it would add something rather than take something away.

Tom: Our six years of monogamy taught me that a relationship like that can stay especially interesting if you are curious with one another and curious about the world together.

We've both changed so much over the course of our relationship because that's the nature of being queer, but also I guess being alive? I think we both felt nervous to commit to something that seemed so solidifying as marriage, so one of our vows was to commit to changing together.

Whether you’re monogamous or non-monogamous, a relationship is about finding someone to change with. So be open to change in monogamy. That to me is the key to a relationship’s success.